we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
