Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
