When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
