I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
