I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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