I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
