my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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