Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Who wears a wallet chain?!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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