Michael Bay diarrhea
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
50% drunk capacity currently
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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