Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
