from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
