Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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