don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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