you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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