I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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