Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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