I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
