What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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