If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
