yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize