Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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