you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
