yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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