smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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