i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
