your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
