Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
