Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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