I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
