I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
