my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
