what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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