My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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