Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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