She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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