I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
