theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
