how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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