I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
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It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
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i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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