dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
