If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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