the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
