Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
