I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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