Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
