I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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