Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
