I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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