I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
