So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
MIDGETS
????
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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