Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
