atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
