You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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