the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
