MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
