The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
