booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
