If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
