i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
